Gokarran Sukhdeo
Guyana Journal, January 2007
This is my third and final part on the subject of domestic violence, though tons more can be written because DV affects almost every home, and DV is everybody’s business, and impacts directly or indirectly upon every facet of life – economic production and productivity, health-care, crime, juvenile delinquency and violence, geriatric/parental abuse, child abuse, alcoholism and drug abuse.
As previously stated, much of DV is not reported, and a lot more is often reported late because DV is usually a family secret, dirty linen that should not be washed in public; or because DV is culturally acceptable; but mainly because DV usually follows a cyclical pattern of abuse and reconciliation which often continues for years in some cases until the situation becomes psycho-pathological. The great tragedy of DV is the duality of love and hate, anger and remorse, violence and forgiveness associated with the relationship, and a feeling of ambivalence by the victim and sometimes a resignation that goes with it.
But the effects of DV are more long lasting and emotionally traumatic on all family members, and in almost all cases develop into a syndrome. Nearly nine out of ten batterers saw violence in their households as kids, and many were victims of it themselves. In society almost seventy-five percent of all violence is committed by people who witnessed violence or were victims of it in childhood. From the victim’s side, chronic depression and low self-esteem, post-traumatic stress syndrome and other mental health disorders, suicide attempts, guilt, shame, poor academic performance, and poor social skills are all serious long lasting effects of DV.
In Part 1, I wrote about DV as it relates to the battered immigrant; and in Part 2 about recognizing DV and options available to the battered spouse who would like to remove herself from an abusive situation. As promised, in this part, I will deal with reconciliatory issues between the batterer and the battered. The approach I take therefore assumes the situation is reconcilable, and that all parties are willing to make an honest effort to change. It assumes that the batterer is not psychotic, is of reasonable cognitive function like any normal being whose brain is not designed to feel good about hurting the ones he loves, and thus strongly desirous of change. (See also Part 2)
However, it has been my experience in social work that although some families are willing to change, they are averse to counseling or any form of psychotherapy, perhaps because of the stigma attached to these mental health terms. But counseling in many cases does not work because counselors are not always sensitive to cultural and economic issues of the family. In addition, there are usually a discrete (limited) number of sessions (often depending on the payments…), whereas reconciliation is a continuous process, not a series of discrete, disjointed processes.
Further, clients do not always fully confide in or trust their counselors or disclose all pertinent information to them, considering them invasive, and very often only comply with therapy, or go through the formalities because it was (court) ordered. In other words, change is being induced or dictated from an external source and not deduced through internal conscience and consciousness. Change cannot take place unless it is internally motivated and initiated by the self, and then transmitted or radiated to others. Working through the problem, hence, is not likely to succeed.
If the parties are therefore correctly motivated, having admitted that there is a DV problem, they need to seek counseling from a clinician that can be trusted and willing to work altruistically with the family, and not from persons who offer counseling for purely academic or mercenary reasons or with other ulterior motives. It is very unfortunate that many women in the community I focus on so often frantically seek help from mystics and obeah-men whose practice reek of dubious efficacy, lack trained leadership and meticulously avoiding of scientific scrutiny, and even from some pundits, priests, and pastors who, if not hyper-evangelical in their therapy, have their own diabolic intentions. If a family manages to find the right counselor, that’s fine. There are a myriad of models that a good counselor can use, or even devise some of his/her own to help the family.
But I have worked out a simple model that may be used primarily by families who find it difficult/expensive to engage good counselors, or find it difficult to coordinate their work schedules to attend family counseling at far-off locations, or for families who simply do not wish to engage invasive third parties in their reconciliation process. This model does not necessarily require third party input or intervention, though third party moderation might be useful.
For simplicity I focus on only three factors at the heart of DV: the issues of:
(1) power, influence and control in the family;
(2) inadequacy or improper verbal communication among family members; and
(3) inadequacy of quality time spent together as a family.
(1) Power, Influence and Control
The terms power, influence and control are sometimes defined differently by social psychologists. For brevity we will make them synonymous to mean the ability of one person to get another to behave in a particular way by exercising certain personality traits or using political, economic or social pressure, thus resulting in a feeling of triumph by one, and in the other, a feeling of being deprived, cheated or overwhelmed. All human interaction involves power and influence (though not necessarily control); yet most people are unaware of the influence they exert on others.
Men have always traditionally exerted such influence over women. Following WW II however, that influence has been waning as more and more American and immigrant women began taking up positions in the family and in society of power and influence. Their conscious or unconscious use of that power and influence has been construed by men both as a loss of control and of being controlled by women. For most men threatened by such perception, DV is the act of reasserting or regaining that (lost) control. Abusing drug or alcohol by men is not the cause of DV, but a likely symptom of it and a manifestation of their hopelessness and failure to regain or exercise control, while falsely instilling in them a feeling of empowerment.
Once the above is understood by spouses, the next step is for them to communicate (I will deal with communication later) with each other and search for:
(1) Triggers of DV. Reasons why the male perceives himself to have lost control – perhaps he is not employed while his spouse is; perhaps it is because of culture shock; perhaps it is an invasion or perceived invasion of his private territory and infringement of his boundaries. The family will sit down, with pen and paper, each engaged in intense self-analysis and analysis of the other in order to come up with all possible reasons for the perception of lost control. They will then compare notes, discuss their findings and list the reasons in a weighted order. If the discussions begin to become heated, they should call an adjournment and schedule another meeting later. (Note: as previously stated, it is assumed that the situation is reconcilable, and that potentially irreconcilable differences such as infidelity are not issues, here.)
(2) Personality traits of each partner that lend towards controlling and the resultant conflict, and/or traits of the other that allow (her) to be controlled.
(3) Ways in which power can be shared by both. After all, family is less about unilateralism and more about sharing.
The following is an exercise that may be used in trying to determine personality traits or conflict resolution styles ranging from aggressive to submissive that each partner has. It will also help you in deciding how to share power.
Assign a number from 1 to 5 next to each statement to indicate how typical you behave in a conflict, 1 being rarely, and 5 always. Then let your partner, children or relatives do a similar assessment of you.
1 When two people quarrel, the person who keeps silent first is the winner. ------
2 Come now and let us reason together. ------
3 Soft words win hard hearts. ------
4 Might overcomes right. ------
5 He has conquered well who makes his enemies flee. ----
6 Avoid quarrelsome people as they will only make your life miserable. ------
7 There is nothing so important you have to fight for it. ---
8 When both give in halfway, both are winners. ------
9 Kill your enemies with kindness. ------
10 If you cannot make people think as you do, make them do as you think. ------
11 Gentleness will triumph over anger. ------
12 Soft words ensure harmony. ------
13 Better half a loaf than no bread. ------
14 Frankness, honesty and trust will move mountains. ------
15 A fair exchange brings no quarrel. ------
16 Truth lies in knowledge, not in majority of opinion. ------
17 You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours. ------
18 He who fights and runs away, lives to fight another day. -----
19 No person has the final answer but every person has a piece to contribute. ------
20 Fields are won by those who believe in winning. ------
Scoring
Withdrawal Forcing Smoothing Compromising Confronting
1 -------- 4--------- 3----------- 8-------- 2--------
6-------- 5--------- 11---------- 9-------- 14--------
7-------- 10-------- 12 --------- 15-------- 16--------
18------- 20-------- 13---------- 17------- 19--------
---------total --------total --------total --------total --------total
The total scores for each category indicate your propensity to behave in a conflict situation. The highest score indicates your primary personality trait, the second highest, your secondary trait. After each partner determines their primary and secondary traits, they are now in a position to see themselves, as well as the way others see them, and change their behavior in order diffuse conflicts. Do this assessment and have others access you periodically, say every three to six month. One good exercise is to create mock situations and do role playing, each partner assuming a different trait or the primary trait of the other partner. This is a good exercise for parent to also involve their children in. They can even decide on a particular trait to adopt in facing any anticipated situation with outsiders.
Some keys to understanding personality types:
Withdrawn – Postpone discussion or conflict until both parties are ready and in control of your feelings.
Force – Never accept defeat; never give in or surrender; never compromise.
Smooth – Apologize, give in with humor, have a good laugh at the problem – not the person, let the other person have it who needs it more.
Compromise – Meet in the middle, take turns.
Confront – Face the problem. Negotiate. Think positive. Think of solutions rather than sulk in depression or self-pity.
(2) Communication
Again, tons can be said about what and how we say it, with and without language. Tons can also be said about what and how we do not say it with or without language. Written and spoken language is only a fraction of how we communicate our emotions, intentions, desires, threats, abuses, transactions and relations. Even good words in written or vocal expressions can convey bad messages by innuendos, sarcasm, humor, intonation, contrast and other figures of speech (and vice versa). Messages are even conveyed or reinforced by underlining or emboldening words or placing then in parenthesis. The striking construct of words in poetry and prose can invoke deep emotions and cause behavioral changes. When put to music it infects the mood, it can soothe the soul and heal the heart – or even arouse our anger.
Body and facial language and gestures – giving flowers, jewelry and even unwelcome “gifts” speak as loudly as the spoken word. Words, when accompanied by body language, carry a stronger effect, and even stronger when uttered with emotion. The bottom line is we can use language, spoken or unspoken, to heal as well as to hurt, consciously or unconsciously, but most times when we hurt others we do so with a spontaneous or ignorant use of language. The language of peace, love, harmony and reconciliation is difficult; any human power that masters it will find the panacea for peace. We should all strive to learn it.
Having said the above, it is imperative for reconciling partners to continuously strive to learn the language, avoid the pitfalls, and constantly explore new and innovative ways to make and maintain peace with each other. In discussions and arguments we should definitely avoid dismissive, cold, curt remarks like “fine”, “please yourself”, and that most dangerous one, “whatever”. They are all challenging and antagonistic, and likely triggers of DV, especially when complemented with negative body language. Our communication, our messages should be explicit and assertive, not tainted with ambiguity or negativity.
Choose assertive words carefully. Try not to speak out of anger. Think out your thought before expressing it.
Use factual descriptions instead of judgments. Instead of, “This is sloppy work.” (aggressive and judgmental), say, “There are a few missing pages”, or, “You missed a spot.” (assertive).
Avoid exaggerations. Avoid the use of “never” and “always”. Instead of, “you are always late.” (aggressive), say, “You are late today, This is the third time this week. Should we discuss it?” (assertive).
Use “I” not “you”. Instead of, “You should not interrupt me when I am talking.” (aggressive), say, “I would like to finish my statement without interruption.” (assertive).
Express thoughts, feelings and opinions reflecting ownership. Instead of, “He makes me angry.” (denies ownership of feelings), say, “I feel hurt (or angry) when he breaks his promises.” (assertive and owning of feelings).
Avoid playing the blame game. Show causal relationships and effects between one partner’s behavior and the other partner’s feelings. This way you let the person know clearly and directly that his behavior has caused you some anxiety, and the problem or difficulty resulting from the behavior. It avoids blaming the other person, and is more productive and assertive. For example, “When you come home late (behavior) I worry or feel angry (feelings) because I have to care for the baby all by myself and do the chores as well (effect or difficulty resulting from the behavior).
Some other helpful communication techniques:
Always listen more than you talk. Listen with attention. Listen with empathy. Contrary to the advice of some clinicians and psychologists, do not say, “I understand how you feel” unless you actually do, for that is hypocritical and untrue. Better to say, “I am trying to understand.”
As far as possible, whenever you are in direct communication with someone, maintain eye contact and a calm voice. The eye speaks the truth when all other parts lie.
Do not make promises you do not intend to or cannot keep.
Communicate your feelings with words; don’t display them.
(3) Quality family time
Sadly, too many people in our immigrant community make tremendous sacrifices for our family, and in the process sacrifice our family. Nothing is wrong with working long hours and earning lots of money so that we can provide our children with comfort and perhaps some luxury. The problem is, when we unconsciously or viciously start competing with the Joneses, our siblings and sisters-in-law; when we get caught up in the rat race; when we bury our heads in the sand, burrowing for pennies, and miss out on the diamonds in the sky; when we leave our children with surrogate parents – the TV, internet and their peers, we lose control of them a little bit each time. Parents perhaps don’t know that per week, the average school child spends twice as much time watching TV, surfing the internet (not educationally related), under peer influence and listening to ear-damaging music, all on the one side, than in the classroom and doing homework put together. Let’s face it – we have abandoned our children to their own devices. The result – conflicts arise through the clashing of your values and their newly acquired TV, peer, internet and I-pod values; and conflicts, if not carefully diffused, can easily explode into violence.
Most parents know they need to spend more quality time with their children; what they need help with is the how and when.
Well, here are some areas that can be explored.
Start the day together. Begin the day or at least one day a week a few minutes earlier. Start with a family prayer, or a value, a moral, a lesson to follow or a mistake to avoid. Members should take turns on different days. Assign each member a task to speak on any subject for a minute or two, perhaps on things that bother them or even read from the scriptures. Eat at least one meal a day as a family. Hold regular family conferences. The family that eats together, prays together, interacts together, will stay together. Do not leave it to the school or church, masjid or mandir to instill values in your children (and worst of all, TV, internet and peers). Parents are the first teachers, and all values (or non-values) derive from the family.
Convert an hour of TV time into family time. Watching TV is not necessarily a family activity unless the program or movie has been specially selected. Do something together as a family, play scrabbles, monopoly, chess, music – each member could take a shot at learning to play an instrument.
In the summer go camping, fishing, hiking. Visit the museums- there are dozens in New York City. Take family vacations – not necessarily long and expensive. Go to Washington, DC, visit the Capitol, the White House and the Smithsonian Museum. Visit the Amish Community in Pennsylvania.
If you sit with your family you would definitely come up with scores of activities that would be fun. But more importantly, these family activities would solidify the family unit, instill in each member strong values, keep them in good mental and physical health, and make them into useful, productive adults.
Dysfunctionality does not happen; it is caused.
The writer is a Social Work Supervisor in New York City Administration for Children Services.
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